1) Tell them what to wear
I find it so hard to dress when I'm pregnant anyway let alone when someone specifies a dress code. I'm all about tent like dresses usually heavy on the black. I was invited to a wedding where the bride had requested (demanded) that the women wear red. At this point I was 7 months pregnant and had no desire to wear red head to toe. But after being guilt tripped by my husband I decided to conform and waddled along looking like a big red mess. I tried to balance it out with a leopard print fascinator but unfortunately bridezilla had her minions on the door removing any non red fascinators and replacing them with red claire's accessorises head pieces that had no business being purchased. Needless to say during my second pregnancy when the same woman requested (demanded again) everyone wear head to toe baby blue for her baby shower I unfortunately was suffering from pregnancy exhaustion and couldn't possibly have made it.
2) Touch their bump
Why do people think it's appropriate to rub your stomach when they don't even know your name?! Seriously people in the supermarket want to tell me how lovely it is and then start stroking my bump. There was one bloke in my office who seemed to make it his daily mission to creep up on me and stroke my stomach. He would appear from nowhere and I'd suddenly have his hands all over me. My new plan is the next time someone starts to touch my belly I'm going to do the same to them, see how they like uninvited stroking.
3) Skinny pregnant people
Who are these people and what planet are they from. If you don't put on at least two stone whilst pregnant then I'm afraid I cannot be friends with you. And don't even get me started on people that slip straight back into their skinnies the week after giving birth. It takes me 18 months at least to even start to see something that vaguely resembles a waist line. If your not down for eating cake and burgers during or after pregnancy then don't bother calling me. I would not be impressed if you ordered a green tea instead of a hot chocolate with all the works, in fact I'd move tables.
4) Smelly breaths
I can list off exactly what my husband has eaten when he returns home after work - down to the relish that was on his burger. Why do noses become so sensitive during pregnancy I'm like a hound dog. God help him if he has an affair I will be able to sniff that woman out and locate her in a second!
5) Exclaiming how gigantic they are
Wow your huge, massive, gigantic! Are you carrying twins? You are eating for two aren't you! Yes I get it I'm fat, I haven't missed this fact I am aware. I can't see my vagina unless I look in a mirror, am struggling to tie my laces and have to roll out of bed so you really don't need to point out how big I am....I have noticed!
6) Tell them this is a magical time
I get it I'm growing life inside me, it's amazing and wonderful but actually it's also really bloody hardwork and knackering. So if I'm having a rant please feel free to ignore me but do not tell me its magical. I'm a hot sweaty mess, can just about see my feet, get indigestion every time I eat and am constipated. Nothing magical about that in my book!
7) Text me daily asking if my baby has arrived
Nope still pregnant! It amazes me when i receive these messages asking if I've had the baby yet. Oh yeah I coughed it out last week did I forget to tell you! No I'm still sat here like a big sweaty mess struggling to walk up a flight of stairs. But thanks for taking the time to text me to remind me I'm still pregnant! Trust me once I've been through the trauma of labour EVERYONE will know about it!
8) Tell them they look tired
If I look tired chances are I feel it. You don't need to point it out. My house has mirrors ta!
9) Get them the wrong item of food
I nearly divorced my husband this week. I specifically asked for Rose turkish delight when he decided to do a snack run to the shop in fact I said it about three times just to make sure he was clear on his mission. He came back with Rose and Pistachio turkish delight. Not acceptable.
10) Check whether they should be eating / drinking / doing something
The first time I was pregnant anything that passed my lips needed a passport and my husband was the Immigration Officer. His favourite hobby became googling my food choices and clarifying with waiters what exactly was in the sauce. Last time I checked it was advice and I am an adult so please don't feel the need to check whether I'm "allowed" something. One extra mouthful of tuna surely is not going to cause the end of the world. I soon learnt the value of secret eating whilst the food police weren't watching.
TAAARAAAAAAA just off to eat a rare steak smeared in pate with a side of calamari lifting weights at the gym has made me hungry!
0 comments:
Post a Comment